A neutron walks into a bar...

Discussion in 'Clean Jokes' started by Alpha Lyra, Nov 20, 2012.

  1. wristwatchb

    wristwatchb wristwatch "danger" b

    Na, He hangs out at the CaFe.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2014
    macaronus and entropy1049 like this.
  2. entropy1049

    entropy1049 Well-Known Member

    O Mg...
     
    macaronus likes this.
  3. Sara-s

    Sara-s This Pun for Hire

    This thread is making me wonder...if there is an element called Plutonium, why isn't there one called Goofium?
     
    Herm2502, macaronus and Metro like this.
  4. Metro

    Metro Well-Known Member

    Or Dingon!
     
  5. wristwatchb

    wristwatchb wristwatch "danger" b

    How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

    Ask them to pronounce unionized.
     
  6. Herm2502

    Herm2502 off to elf practice

    What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?


    A stick.
     
  7. wristwatchb

    wristwatchb wristwatch "danger" b

  8. Sara-s

    Sara-s This Pun for Hire

    Student definition of "nitrate"'
    Show Spoiler
    Cheaper than the Day rate.
     
    macaronus, wristwatchb and richgem like this.
  9. richgem

    richgem suffering from chronic clicker hand cramps

  10. Sara-s

    Sara-s This Pun for Hire

    Student definition of "barium"
    Show Spoiler
    What you do after they're dead.
     
    wristwatchb, macaronus and richgem like this.
  11. richgem

    richgem suffering from chronic clicker hand cramps

  12. MarshalArtist

    MarshalArtist Psychiatric Help 5¢

    Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
    A: A one molar solution.
     
    wristwatchb and Sara-s like this.
  13. macaronus

    macaronus Sir Nice-a-Lot

    sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!
     
    Sara-s likes this.
  14. macaronus

    macaronus Sir Nice-a-Lot

    Schrödingers cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
     
    wristwatchb, Sara-s and trey06dmd like this.
  15. richgem

    richgem suffering from chronic clicker hand cramps

    Must have been a really low bar... or it wasn't.
     
    macaronus likes this.
  16. MarshalArtist

    MarshalArtist Psychiatric Help 5¢

    A marine biologist discovered a way to keep dolphins alive forever. The key to his method was that the dolphins must eat a fertilized egg each day.
    One day as he went to fetch the eggs for his dolphins, he noticed a lion sleeping in front of the doorway to the laboratory where the eggs were kept. Since the lion was fast asleep he thought the risk was minimal so he quietly opened the door, stepped over the lion, and then quietly closed the door behind himself. Once he had collected the fertilized eggs he'd need to feed the dolphins, he quietly opened the door and saw that the lion was still asleep in the doorway. He quietly stepped back over the lion carrying the fertilized eggs and was promptly arrested.
    The charge was transporting underage chicks over a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2015
  17. Quasar

    Quasar Active Member

    I recently read an article from a quantum physicist. I had no idea what his position was on the topic of uncertainty but I know exactly where he was going with his argument.

    My friend read the same article. He knew exactly what the physicist's position was, he just had no idea what direction the article was going in.
     
    macaronus likes this.
  18. Gigmaster

    Gigmaster Active Member

    Is it just me, or is entropy not what it used to be....?

    Transistor = a nun who's had a sex-change.

    Points to Ponder: Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?????
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2015
    macaronus likes this.
  19. Gigmaster

    Gigmaster Active Member

    Paleoanthropology Division
    Smithsonian Institute
    207 Pennsylvania Avenue
    Washington, DC 20078


    Dear Sir:

    Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

    • 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.


    • 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubiccentimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.


    • 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

      • A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

      • B. Clams don't have teeth.
      It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

      However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

      Yours in Science,

      Harvey Rowe
      Curator, Antiquities
     
    macaronus and Jayaruh like this.
  20. Jayaruh

    Jayaruh The Cackalacky House Pet

    Supporting Vendor
    Joe's wife liked to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

    His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"

    Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
     
    bnccna2, wristwatchb, Metro and 2 others like this.

Share This Page