Some are clever, but by and large they're... just... terrible... 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. 12.. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large. I almost wish I'd posted these in dirty jokes... because thats how I feel after posting them... dirty.
:happy097 :happy001 :rofl 14a. What do you call a blind deer? No eyed deer (say it out loud). 16a. An Eskimo in a kayak sees Kate stuck on an ice floe and picks her up. On the way back he finds Edith on another floe and pick her up too. Not surprisingly the kayak sank, proving once again you can't save your Kate and Edith too. There are a bunch of the deer puns.
Two atoms walk into a bar. The first one says, "oh, no, I've lost an electron!" The second one says, "are you sure?" The first one replies, "yes, I'm positive!" Ba dum bum.
Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying. I think I might be lack-toes intolerant. ------- There was one a dromedary whose fur was an amazingly close match in colour to the desert sand, and he was almost impossible to see. Some called him 'the invisible dromedary', but in reality he wasn't invisible; he was just really well camel-flaged. ------- I knew someone once who was a monorail enthusiast. He had a one track mind. ------- Thank you, I'll be here all week! Try the steak!
One of the few electronics geek puns I know: What do you call a nun that dresses like a priest. A Trans Sister.
Oh my god, I'm nealy dying here in the university's computer raoom and everybody's looking at me :rofl :rofl :rofl
woah... are you one of my middle school students? OK obviously not, but scary odd coincidence How odd.. we are reviewing ions in class and I used a version of that joke at the start of each class yesterday. :happy102
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where the bar tender?" --- A lawyer, a Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar and the bartender looks up and says, "What is this? A joke?!"
This really happened to me ... I don't know if it fits here, but it came to mind. I worked in a car dealership where one of the salesmen, Ray Page, married the receptionist, April Call. Well, she quit working and I told the new receptionist: If Call should call for Page, page Page that there's a call from Call waiting. In the same dealership, a technician came to fix the air-conditioning because it never got cool. He explained that, with the new energy conservation laws, he couldn't set the thermostat lower than a temperature that was satisficatory to 80% of the people. And I said, "so what you're telling me is that you can cool some of the people all the time and all of the people some of the time but you can't cool all of the people all the time." He didn't get it.
I hear on A Prairie Home Companion: A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" And the Grasshopper says, "That funny. Why would you name a drink Bob?" Two gold fish are sitting in a tank. One say to the other, "So... you know how to drive this thing?" Q: Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors? A: If it had 4, it'd be a sedan.
Concerning Your Jokes... Please do not worry, and have no fear, because I have the ultra rare unique talent to make just about anyone feel better about themselves by submitting things that are not only worse, but FAR worse than can possibly be imagined to the mortal mind. Perhaps it more of a curse, perhaps I'm one of the weirdest oddest people you would ever meet on the planet. Think an adult version of BOBBY HILL. Case in point, I will immediately make you feel better about your jokes by sharing some of mine that I came up with. Think literary physics. It's all relative. 1. What do you call a bear that's an alcoholic? A Beer! 2. What do you call a grizzly bear that's an alcoholic? You got it. A Grizzly Beer! 3. If Homer Simpson took up a martial art, what would it be? Tae Kwon D'OOOHHH!! 4. If a vegetable took up a martial art what would it be? CAR-RO-TE! 5. What do you call a hot beverage with a bad cold? C0FF-EE! 6. What would you call a vegetable if it has to go to the bathroom? A PEA!! 7. What do you call a sickly baseball pitcher that can only throw the the baseball skywards? THROWUP!! See, don't you feel better already? To the mods and administrators: please don't throw me out. LOL. :happy102
I'll add a couple of mine: One Halloween, we carved a pumpkin with a cat face. When a hairy kind of mold grew inside, I told my daughter that it was an IN-FUR-NAL cat. She said my sense of humor was child abuse. I said, no, its CHILD AMUSE. When you abuse your child, it's child abuse, when you amuse your child, it's child amuse. One of my puns actually made it into a cartoon because I told it to a guy who publishes a joke newsletter: Where do vultures carry their food when they fly? In their CARRION luggage.
