How's my day... Ugh. Feeling super tired, a little "under the weather", and I seem to be dealing with a bout of melancholy that's been persistent over the last few days. I guess it all ties back to my normal day to day life from the last 6 years.
Excuse me for dumping. I guess I just need to get it out of my system.
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About 6 years ago I started encouraging my parents to go talk to our pastor after seeing that they weren't getting along very well. Long story short I ended up moving my mom who has a fairly rare medical condition and our golden retriever in with me to a new house that I hadn't planned on buying in a last minute deal so that we would have a place to live. I had been looking for an apartment an hour from home closer to where I work but, having the sudden responsibility of my mom and Ike weren't on my radar. On top of it all my dad came home suddenly from work the morning we were to move out and kept us from getting anything and my mom found out a little later that she had been removed from access to any bank accounts. We struggled for over a year and a half before finally being allowed to have any of our things. During this time my mom's dad became very ill and passed on. My Poppy was my hunting and fishing buddy and the closest thing that I really had ever had to a father or dad even though I lived with a man that I share DNA with. Six months in to this I found that my basement was infested with black mold leaving me without the use of my bedroom and bathroom a guest bed and bath and our laundry/utility room. We were at least allowed to stay in the rest of the house leaving me to abandon my bed and sleep on a day bed in our home office for 6 years and still to this day. After finding out many bad and wrong things with the previous seller, HOA, seller's realtor, and a handyman that had worked on the house we went through a three year law suit resulting in a settlement with less than half of the funds to fix the house. Oh, and "sperm donor" as I refer to him now drug me through the divorce, digging through all of my bank records and finances and even asking for all of the family heirlooms back that I had from his side of my family as a contingency to sign papers. We have found out since from a family friend who is a psychologist that she's unofficially diagnosed him with schizophrenia which he refuses to do anything about due to his massive narcissism. Also, the State Job that I have bit me when my boss hired a guy with less qualifications at over 12k per year more than me and still refuses to do anything about it even though I'm pulling 80% of the workload and this other guy can't even finish his projects on time.
Fast forward a little over 6 years from move-in and I'm still struggling just to pay the bills, my mom is still living with me and struggling with the divorce after almost 32 years, I've found out through counseling that I've never really had a father/dad. I'm almost out of money and the basement isn't even close to being finished even though I'm doing all of the work myself. I'm 35 and still single and hating every minute of it, I'm being used, stepped on, and slighted at work, I can't move because until the house is finished I'm upside down in my mortgage, one whole side of my family has alienated me, my so called friends don't call or even attempt to correspond with me and I'm feeling incredibly alone. Every time I say something to even my mom she tells me I need to get out to meet people but, I'm working 60 hours per week to try to pay the bills and take care of her and Ike, then working evenings and most of every weekend trying to get the house fixed. I had two weeks off from work for Christmas/New Years and I worked about 80 hours per week on the house and still didn't get as far done as I wanted to.
I don't mean to get into religion at all but, I've never fit in with my peers because I don't drink socially or hang out doing the "bad" thing. I mean I enjoy myself and don't mind having a drink but, I don't go to excess/drunkenness. I don't even fit in with most singles groups at church because it seems great on the outside but, you find out that they are all just there to "hook up" most of the time and I wasn't raised to believe in that. I'm trying my best to do the right thing and wait on the right one to come into my life but at 35 and with all my struggles and having the responsibility of my mom my hopes have faded into oblivion.
I see my peers and people from church who were teens when I worked on staff who now are happily married, have great jobs that they enjoy, are enjoying kids, nice safe, and healthy homes and are free from financial struggle and it makes me feel bad. Most of them take it all for granted, and that's all I want is is what other's take for granted.
I deal with this well most of the time but for some reason it's all piling in right now and a little overwhelming. I mean I even got screwed by a lying mold contractor who was supposed to be a "good man". I guess it is the "old soul" in me that tries to be the honorable and honest man who lives with integrity and who's word is his bond that can't understand why everyone is all about themselves anymore. Why doesn't anyone care about his neighbor, or coworker, or even family member?
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I saw Joanna's post about the faucet and caulk and felt bad. I don't like to see anyone having to do stuff like that over the holidays.
Wow, so much for a guy who tries to live like a guy! I guess I'm just mush on the inside...
My apologies, I feel bad and even stupid for dumping all of my problems like this but, I don't really have anywhere else to turn. That's sad I guess huh? I try to share with anyone, even pastors that I know and look up to and it just gets turned back in my face. Sometimes we just need someone to listen and genuinely care for crying out loud. Heck, I don't expect anyone to do anything about it, I never have, it's not anyone else's life or problems...
I hope everyone's weekend is great and that everyone get's to rest and enjoy themselves.
Jonathan
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