Kirk: “Status of the Klingon warship raid, Spock?”
Spock: “Captain, we obtained a meager bounty of 100 cases of Voskhod’s, 150 sticks of Arko, and 37 liters of The Veg. I’m happy to report that we’ve found logical uses for each product.”
Kirk: “Continue.”
Spock: “Sir, as you know, we’re running short of Feather blades. We’ll assign Voskhods to the men until we resupply at Starfleet Headquarters. Then we’ll trade the remainder to those foolish Romulans for supplies we can use.”
Kirk: “You know what this means, Spock.”
Spock: “Yes, Captain. Lt. Uhura has requested a shaving waiver from Starfleet Command.”
Kirk: “Very well, then. Chekov, get the blades to the men immediately. Gather up the Soap Commander. There’s no need to waste it on Voskhod shaves. Have the men use Barbasol and Rise until further notice.”
Chekov: “Sir, some of the men are not old enough to shave.”
Kirk: “Understood. Voskies will be perfect for them. Scotty, as for the Arko and The Veg…”
Scott: “Captain, if you please, the men could sip on a wee dram of The Veg to get through those cold winter evenings….”
McCoy: “Jim, he’s out of his mind! The men can’t handle The Veg! It would disrupt the entire mission and maybe even jeopardize your command! Jim, PLEASE!”
Kirk: “Scotty, Bones is right. You can keep a few liters for the officers, but send the rest to Vulcan for that party they have every seven years. And for goodness sakes, don’t spill that stuff. You know what that would do to the titanium floors. Spock, Vulcan has little contact with the outside world, correct?”
Spock: “Yes, Captain, that is correct.”
Kirk: “Scotty, use the Arko to degrease the warp drives and clean the engine room floors. Is that clear?”
Scott: “Aye, Captain.”
Kirk: “Men, back to your stations. Warp 9, Sulu. Let’s make tracks before we have another close shave with the Klingons.”
Sulu: “Warp 9, Captain.”
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