Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Discussion in 'The Chatterbox' started by Capt America, Nov 13, 2007.

  1. Capt America

    Capt America Member

    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

    ************************************************** ***********************************
    Tower:"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
    TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
    Tower:"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

    ************************************************** ***********************************
    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

    ************************************************** ***********************************
    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
    United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

    ************************************************** ***********************************
    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
    Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


    ************************************************** ***********************************
    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
    San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off
    Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

    ************************************************** ***********************************
    There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
    "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

    ************************************************** ***********************************
    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
    Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

    ************************************************** ***********************************
    Tower:"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
    Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
    Tower:"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
    BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

    ************************************************** ***********************************
    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
    Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

    ************************************************** ***********************************
    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

    ************************************************** ***********************************
    While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
    An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
    "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

    Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
    ********************


    I thought this was funny. I bolded the ones I thought were particularly funny.

    I'm sure some of you will get a laugh.
     
  2. IsaacRN

    IsaacRN Active Member

    OMG.......these are Hilarious
     
  3. IsaacRN

    IsaacRN Active Member

    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."


    :rofl

    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

    :rofl
     
  4. Sejanus

    Sejanus New Member

    Ohhhh damn... :rofl

    But in some of these cases.. it just adds fuel to my fear of flying.. :eek:
     
  5. Will

    Will Nevermind

    On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

    One day on just such a field the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
    The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

    The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

    The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
    If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.
    If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours.
    If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
    If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
    If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.
    If it's National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."
     
  6. Sejanus

    Sejanus New Member

    :rofl:rofl:rofl
     
  7. jfl

    jfl New Member

    Great post Kevin, Thanks!

    A few years ago I was on a United flight listening to the exchanges between air & ground. A brief exchange went something like this after someone scrambled a flight number:

    A: I must be dyslexic.
    B: I'm not lexdexic!
    C: You know, 10 out of 9 people are.

    There were a few other comments that I don't recall, but I enjoyed the wit and humor during an otherwise boring flight.

    Jim
     
  8. moviemaniac

    moviemaniac Tool Time

    Thanks for the laughs! :: :rofl
     
  9. qhsdoitall

    qhsdoitall Wilbur

    "A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
    San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off
    Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

    OMG! :eek::eek:

    I go by that end of the runway twice a day. !! :rofl
     
  10. Sejanus

    Sejanus New Member

    Find a new route! :rofl
     
  11. Capt America

    Capt America Member

    LOL


    Travel safe...
     
  12. denmason

    denmason Uncle Dennis

    And then we have this little story..... it is an urban legend, but I thought it to be funny.

    This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
    aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
    off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
    conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
    10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

    Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
    avoid collision.

    Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
    North to avoid a collision.

    Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
    degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
    divert YOUR course.

    Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
    LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
    ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
    SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
    NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
    COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

    Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
     
  13. Woknblues

    Woknblues New Member

    funny stuff. my uncle is a soon to be retired controller, I am sure he has heard them all, but maybe not. I'll pass this thread along to him, and to my maternal grandfather, a WW2 vet who was shot down in a B-17 over Germany, 4 guys in his crew managed to bail out and I think 3 landed safely. Then they walked several miles behind enemy lines to get to the front, only to be captured by allied troops as a possible German spies and held for a week. (his first and last names are German)
     
  14. IsaacRN

    IsaacRN Active Member

    THis is a Rockin Thread
     

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