I wanted to be the one to bring Tom Gauld to the table, but @richgem beat me to it. Great minds, etc...
Here's perhaps an oldie but I always liked it: "Hey mac, call me a taxi, will ya? "OK, you're a taxi!"
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right-butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
I get tired of people saying "Take a listen", or "Take a look". If we do that to listens and looks, both are GONE(taken). I think it sounds better to say "HAVE a listen/look". That way, we can "have" the experience of listening and looking.
Here's one from the newsletter of my auto repair shop: I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. She told me to stop going to those places.
Another one from the newsletter of my go-to auto repair shop: "I was wondering why the Frisbee seemed larger the closer it got to me. Then it hit me."
Can any one tell the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'? No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand. His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished.' And , when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.' His answer received a five minute standing ovation
To learn the difference, one might want to listen to a football broadcast done with both words: 1)-He fires, and COMPLETES the pass for a first down! 2)-He fires and FINISHES the pass for a first down! It's up to the learner to decide which is more commonly used.
