Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure...go ahead if you like it that much WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models.I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£70,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...The house I wanted last year is back on the market.They're asking £950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks:"Anyone know whose phone is this? "
LIVING WILL While I was watching the football games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine andtaking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.
One-Question IQ Test Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day...... There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer... He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses" If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer and call it a day. I've got mine shutting down right now. (You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer) Thank you ! ! !
Not this time Sue !!!! I already knew that one from a previous powerpoint presentation filled with these jokes ! There were even more brain killers , hilarious I fell for almost all of them... but not this time...PC stays on.....
I actually fell for this one twice.. once a year ago and once yesterday when I kept saying, Oh! I know the answer to this one!! What is it tho...?? :ashamed001
In case you run out of standard insults, here are a few with some real imagination... "When Insults Had Class": "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -- Winston Churchill, in response "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating "He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -- Robert Redford "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon) "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -- Charles, Count Talleyrand "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -- Forrest Tucker "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"-- Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."-- Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."-- Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -- Billy Wilder
A blonde walks into a library, walks up to the desk, and says in a slightly-louder-than-normal speaking voice, "I'd like a double burger, fries, and a chocolate shake." The harried librarian, in a disdainful voice, tells the blonde, "This is a library!" The blonde looks around at the people reading, studying and choosing books off the shelves, then turns back to the librarian..... And in a near whisper says, "I'd like a double burger, fries and a chocolate shake."
